Alien Invasion 2014
About six weeks ago I started having some strange pain in my lower abdomen. It wasn’t anything that slowed me down too much, just the kind of discomfort that made long days in the office feel a bit funny. Kinda like that feeling that comes about two hours after eating super hot green chili. The sensation would come and go, but was always sort of in the background if I paid attention.
Then, on March 15th we had a little snow storm with a bunch of wind that kept blowing the garage door open. I went out to latch it and WHAM! I slipped on a patch of ice and cracked my ass on the stair. Ouch. I came back inside and the little green-chili-gut sensation became a little more than a sensation and I decided that maybe I should go get checked out at the hospital. I was thinking maybe a little appendicitis or something got aggravated from the fall, and remembering what some of my friends had gone through with that, I didn’t want to take any chances.
I drove to YVMC, checked myself into the ER and got a CAT scan. If you’ve ever had a to have a CAT scan then you know about the quart of nasty liquid they make you drink to make all the good bits on your insides glow… I got to impress the staff with my pounding skills on that sucker! Who’d have ever thought that beer chugging skills would come in such handy when in the ER?
After a few hours of hanging out remembering why I hate hanging out in hospitals, a nice lady came over to tell me that my appendix was just fine, but then she did the sit-down-and-put-comforting-hand-on-knee thing. “But we did find a tumor near your intestines that may be causing this discomfort. You’re really lucky you came in today, cancer can go undetected until it’s too late sometimes, but I think we caught this early. We’ll need to do some tests to see what it is and how to treat it.”
And such was the beginning of the newest and suckiest journey of my damn-near 44 years.
Since that fateful fall, I have spent more hours in doctor’s offices and hospitals than all of the combined time leading up to that day. And this is only the beginning. Shall I continue? Why yes… I’m all doped up on pain meds and I can’t leave my bed, so why the hell not?
After two blood lettings that I affectionately refer to as Leachings, a visit to a medical doc and another visit to a surgeon, I was diagnosed with a relatively mild form of cancer called carcinoid tumors. The Mayo Clinic web page defines them as: a type of slow-growing cancer that can arise in several places throughout your body. Carcinoid tumors, which are one subset of tumors called neuroendocrine tumors, usually begin in the digestive tract (stomach, appendix, small intestine, colon, rectum) or in the lungs.
Yippy! My alien has been identified!
The next step was to remove the offensive invader(s) and get them tested to see just how violent they are and how best to wage war against them. That is where I am today.
Yesterday, Courtney took me to my new uber-awesome hangout, YVMC, to see my newest surgeon buddy, Dr. Mark Hermacinski so he could perform an alien C-section. I had high hopes for a complete removal of the offensive spawn making a stronghold in my inner sanctum, but that wasn’t the case. The largest alien was so imbedded in my mesentery that he was unable to abort it. Instead, he found another nest of the invaders lodged in my small intestine, which he was able to hack out. He removed about eight inches of my small intestine, containing about three Carcinoid Aliens, and sent these samples to be tested to see just what kind of cell growth was happening and how best to treat the remaining nest.
I will be going to the Human Empire of Denver to visit with an oncologist and have yet another series alien identification rituals performed later this month. There, they will look to see if I have any nests in my lungs and heart valves, and begin treatment that I don’t yet understand nor have the knowledge to relate just yet.
For now, I am as comfortable as I can be considering the alien invasion and the subsequent slice in my abdomen. I have a great wife, a great home, the cutest dog in the world, all the green tea I can drink, and a little box of crackers to appease my love of crunchy foods. I’m on mandatory Oak Creek time for the next four days, and I get to have the staples taken out of my belly on Thursday. My emotions are pretty crazy right now, but I’m still pretty damn happy all things considered.
I’m very thankful for all of my wonderful friends and family. If love cures alien invasions, this shit doesn’t stand a chance with all ya’ll pulling for me! Thank you!!!