Ann Coulter’s visit to Steamboat Springs tops my list of intrigue to a degree unparalleled by previous speakers in Steamboat to date. I have a love hate thing for ol’ Ann that compares in my world to my belief that Tonya Harding was the biggest embarrassment to the United States in Olympic History. My love for the Coulter stems from her ability to counteract any good that may come from the political Right by her own self-described polemic style. She is aggressive, hypocritical, rude, selfish, arrogant, and though she is reported to have a relatively high I.Q., her ranting, religious intolerance and spite counter any positive effect her arguments may have in favor of the conservative movement. My hate stems from the fame I believe to be so wrongly bestowed upon her. She is vile. And yet, when I encounter her column, I read it, I laugh at her, and I don’t regret the waste of my time I spent reading her tripe. I would feel very different if I had paid to read her work, and refuse to do so adamantly.
When people compare her to the Left’s more outspoken writers like Maureen Dawd, or Paul Krugman I can’t help but laugh. It’s like comparing Slayer to the Boston Philharmonic. Both play wonderful music, but they can not be compared to one another in terms of depth and content.
Yes, I said Slayer plays wonderful music. And now I will state that Ann Coulter can better be compared to Slayer than any of the other afore mentioned writers. She possesses the same ability to shock as Slayer. She incorporates religion into nearly all of her work, much like Slayer does. And like Slayer, she has not committed to a specific religious sect, she just uses God much like Subway uses mayonnaise – on everything all the time and it doesn’t matter what brand, just so long as it’s cheap and there is a lot of it. That’s right, Ann, you are guilty of being white, you poor little misunderstood thing, you.
The most important difference between Ann Coulter and Slayer is that Slayer has Dave Lombardo to drive the force of their rants deep into the darkness of sin, where Ann’s cadence is punctuated with “Ums” and “Well” and the frequent toss of her blond main over her left shoulder to better accentuate her Adam’s apple (I think it’s a nerve thing, or perhaps an undiagnosed disease).
The second most important difference between Ann Coulter and Slayer is that she is a hypocrite, where Slayer is just a bad-ass metal band. For example, in October 2005, Ann states, “The Democrats complain about the Republican base being nuts. The nuts are their entire party! They’re always accusing us of repressing their speech. I say let’s do it. Let’s repress them. Frankly, I’m not a big fan of the First Amendment.” Now, Ann, come on. Without the First Amendment you would be out of work.
Her religious hypocrisy is even more visible in both her physical appearance and her writing. I’ll take the easy way out and just point to the Seven Deadly Sins for this example. Wikipedia lists the seven deadly sins as wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony. Ann is guilty of wrath (anger – the vitriol she spews regularly in her column), greed (just imagine spending her money on charity. It would go far), and pride (she typically wears a li’l black prom dress to most speeches, showing her skinny-ass legs and accentuating her boobies. That’s right. Christian boobies. She loves those things. And her blond hair. Lots of pride in that hair). To further this conclusion, here’s a little deeper evidence from the Bible (courtesy of Wiki). The Book of Proverbs, King Solomon stated that the Lord specifically regards “six things the Lord hateth, and the seventh His soul detesteth.” Namely: (click on the colored text for an internet example)
A proud look
A lying tongue
Hands that shed innocent blood
A heart that devises wicked plots
Feet that are swift to run into mischief
A deceitful witness that uttereth lies
Him that soweth discord among brethren
There you have it, kids. And this piece of work is coming to Steamboat on February 17th to spread her hypocrisy and use someone's God to attempt to rally the conservative forces of our fair valley. And though I would love to be able to go witness her comedy in person, I know that is just not in my cards. I will have to be happy just reading whatever pitiful story comes from our local fish wrapper after she is long gone, drugged up and sleeping on a plane towards her next public appearance.
I hope she takes Henry Rollins up on his offer to give her a respectable job. Enjoy this video.
And here’s a link to a Slayer song that reminds me of an Ann Coulter column.