Well, this is it, kids, the moment that I have unknowingly been waiting for since August 2008. Today is the day that I get to announce that there will be a new alternative magazine to represent the Yampa Valley and all it has to offer.

Valley Voice.

This magazine has been in the mental development lab since long before Scott Glackman and I sold The Local. We had discussed many things, from a glossy magazine to an improved weekly version of our paper.

I was bound to a five-year no-compete clause in the contract with The Local’s buyer, and for three years, as I watched our baby suffer and die, I dreamed of what I would do when that no-compete ended. I thought of many, many papers, magazines, names and concepts, and discussed them all with my close friends and family often. Then, last November, after almost three years of default from the buyer, we settled.

I’ll save the juicy bits for the inaugural issue and give you an introduction to the people who made this happen.

The first link in the chain was Matt Scharf, who you will remember from the comic, Whiskey Chronicles. His artwork is readily visible around town, though it is so varied that it’s not always easy to recognize. We had been talking about doing something for many months, and when my no-compete ended, talks escalated. He finished a job that he had been working on, and was chomping at the bit to get something creative rolling.

The third element that chanced into the scene was Scott Ford. He was generously donating some time to help me with a cause I was, and still am working on (see Suicide below) when he made the mistake of mentioning that he would be willing to discuss getting on board to create a new paper.

That was it for me. My brain went into overdrive and two weeks later I was calling Scott and Matt to see if we could seriously do it. We met on Friday, February 17th, and now we’re fast-tracking ourselves into the lucrative (that’s a joke, please laugh) world of print media. From concept to print in just over a month feels crazy, but it’s coming together. I’ll take this sentence to beg for your ad dollars – we’ll give an awesome discount to anyone who signs up for a year (12 issues), and give you special logo placement as Founding Sponsors on all promotional media for the entire year. That will also include our Facebook page, website and all printed propaganda. That was two sentences. Sorry ‘bout that. (Click here to contact me without having to post on the comment section)

Valley Voice will feature many useful and fun ideas that we will unveil over the next few months. It will be a process to create something as unique and as functional as we hope this to be, so keep watching over this mud season and into summer as this grows and blossoms into something beautiful for all of us to enjoy and participate.

_  Ann Coulter is coming to Steamboat!

Ann Coulter’s visit to Steamboat Springs tops my list of intrigue to a degree unparalleled by previous speakers in Steamboat to date. I have a love hate thing for ol’ Ann that compares in my world to my belief that Tonya Harding was the biggest embarrassment to the United States in Olympic History. My love for the Coulter stems from her ability to counteract any good that may come from the political Right by her own self-described polemic style. She is aggressive, hypocritical, rude, selfish, arrogant, and though she is reported to have a relatively high I.Q., her ranting, religious intolerance and spite counter any positive effect her arguments may have in favor of the conservative movement. My hate stems from the fame I believe to be so wrongly bestowed upon her. She is vile. And yet, when I encounter her column, I read it, I laugh at her, and I don’t regret the waste of my time I spent reading her tripe. I would feel very different if I had paid to read her work, and refuse to do so adamantly.   

When people compare her to the Left’s more outspoken writers like Maureen Dawd, or Paul Krugman I can’t help but laugh. It’s like comparing Slayer to the Boston Philharmonic. Both play wonderful music, but they can not be compared to one another in terms of depth and content.  

Yes, I said Slayer plays wonderful music. And now I will state that Ann Coulter can better be compared to Slayer than any of the other afore mentioned writers. She possesses the same ability to shock as Slayer. She incorporates religion into nearly all of her work, much like Slayer does. And like Slayer, she has not committed to a specific religious sect, she just uses God much like Subway uses mayonnaise – on everything all the time and it doesn’t matter what brand, just so long as it’s cheap and there is a lot of it. That’s right, Ann, you are guilty of being white, you poor little misunderstood thing, you.

The most important difference between Ann Coulter and Slayer is that Slayer has Dave Lombardo to drive the force of their rants deep into the darkness of sin, where Ann’s cadence is punctuated with “Ums” and “Well” and the frequent toss of her blond main over her left shoulder to better accentuate her Adam’s apple (I think it’s a nerve thing, or perhaps an undiagnosed disease).  

The second most important difference between Ann Coulter and Slayer is that she is a hypocrite, where Slayer is just a bad-ass metal band. For example, in October 2005, Ann states, “The Democrats complain about the Republican base being nuts. The nuts are their entire party! They’re always accusing us of repressing their speech. I say let’s do it. Let’s repress them. Frankly, I’m not a big fan of the First Amendment.” Now, Ann, come on. Without the First Amendment you would be out of work.   

Her religious hypocrisy is even more visible in both her physical appearance and her writing. I’ll take the easy way out and just point to the Seven Deadly Sins for this example. Wikipedia lists the seven deadly sins as wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony. Ann is guilty of wrath (anger – the vitriol she spews regularly in her column), greed (just imagine spending her money on charity. It would go far), and pride (she typically wears a li’l black prom dress to most speeches, showing her skinny-ass legs and accentuating her boobies. That’s right. Christian boobies. She loves those things. And her blond hair. Lots of pride in that hair). To further this conclusion, here’s a little deeper evidence from the Bible (courtesy of Wiki). The Book of Proverbs, King Solomon stated that the Lord specifically regards “six things the Lord hateth, and the seventh His soul detesteth.” Namely: (click on the colored text for an internet example)
A proud look
A lying tongue
Hands that shed innocent blood
A heart that devises wicked plots
Feet that are swift to run into mischief
A deceitful witness that uttereth lies
Him that soweth discord among brethren 

There you have it, kids. And this piece of work is coming to Steamboat on February 17th to spread her hypocrisy and use someone's God to attempt to rally the conservative forces of our fair valley. And though I would love to be able to go witness her comedy in person, I know that is just not in my cards. I will have to be happy just reading whatever pitiful story comes from our local fish wrapper after she is long gone, drugged up and sleeping on a plane towards her next public appearance.  

I hope she takes Henry Rollins up on his offer to give her a respectable job. Enjoy this video. 

And here’s a link to a Slayer song that reminds me of an Ann Coulter column.